The girl was grappling with the knot to be tied around her collar. The loving hands stretched out from the frame to help her. She was getting late for her school. She lit the candle in haste before the frame saying "Bye Maa".
Hioy'oy Hoi Polloi
JJJ
Hioy'oy Hoi Polloi
JJJ
Theek thaak tha. U killed the suspense in the 2nd line itself....u could have mentioned about the frame at the end to create that shocking impact. But the story was good. Overall- 3 out of 5.
ReplyDeleteOh!!! :( :(
DeleteCan I edit it :P
Well!!! It's my first hand at 55 fiction so slowly and smartly I'm gonna make you laud me :P
Na, there is no need to edit. Worry not, when one writes a story so regularly, then it's not possible to script a perfect one each time! Even greats like Dickens and Micheal Jackson have so many works which they didn't release.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I gave you 3. So, it's not as bad as you think!
good try :) try keeping suspense a suspense and reveal at right time :) liked it
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad Saurabh that you appreciated. :)
DeleteIf you remove the words 'from the frame', then it becomes excellent. So, the line would read as "The loving hands stretched out to help her."
ReplyDeleteThen, the reader will get the suspense only at the end.
PS- This is just a suggestion. I'm not against your work and I'm not criticizing. U may have a different point of view and may be right. I hope you are not taking them in a bad way. Agar kuch bura laga, toh mujhe maaf kar dena
Arey it's absolutely cool. I have always appreciated critics with their valuable suggestions.
DeleteI had asked to edit but you refused. Btw I too was thinking of removing "from the frame" but now let the readers read some less exciting. I'll take care next time.
Thank-you for your concern. :)
Okay cheers !!
DeleteI am also messed with the knot nowadays...it was a brilliant 55 version and nice creativity...!!!
ReplyDeleteThank-you Anjan :)
DeleteWell! Knot has to be knoted howsoever messy it is :P